Washington Women Leaders Association Chapter Meeting: Empathy and Resilience

can you say hello hello good to be with you yes well thank you so much for your time today so can you before we pull up your slides can you give us a self- introduction sure sure I'd love to give you a bit of context for who I am so I am a Washington DC woman I'm a gen xer in my early 50s I'm a devoted friend and godmother and dog Mom I love good food and travel and good writing uh I've climbed the corporate ladder as my slide shows but I grew up on a chicken farm the only child of a single mom uh going growing up on a chicken farm is really good motivation to go to law school which is what I did after college I been practicing for 24 years the bulk of which were with Verizon um I began there as a junior litigator I moved over to our government contracts group and eventually became the general counsel of that organization and then finished my career with Verizon as the head of its litigation and investigation function as I give this speech today though I am not presently a high-powered lawyer for a fortune2 company uh after a year of juggling a big job and caring for and losing my mother I decided to practice some empathy and resilience and step away so I am in a period I'm calling recharge and reflect and repoint so I am about a month in and I'm speaking to you as a seasoned executive and a successful lawyer but also a bit of a newbie in the art of career transition and so I'm really looking forward to today's panel on Career pivots the other keynote on networking um and I just want to let you know that as I talk to you I'm reminding myself of the importance of these traits so that's me and I'm looking forward to getting going all right well we have your slides pulled up take it away the floor is all yours okay so why empathy and resilience so why don't we turn to the next slide so after nearly 25 years of working on and leading diverse teams what I've learned is that the most effective leadership is that which is practiced with empathy toward your co-workers your team even your boss and it's leadership that strives to build not erode resilience so first let's clarify what we're talking about I know you all are excellent readers so I'm not going to read to you the Mariam Webster definitions that I've included here when I think about defining empathy I think it's clarified by saying what it's not it is not patting someone on the head it is not assuming their values are your values it is certainly not offering at least it's not whatever the pitfall is instead empathy is listening and earnestly trying to put yourself in the position of feeling what the other person is going through whether it's having been passed over for a promotion or navigating a personal crisis and why focus on resilience because the reality is that in career and in life yours and those of the people who you lead there will be lows and setbacks along with the highs that you encounter and this talk isn't to persuade you to become resilient you already are what I want to do today is offer some tweaks and some guidance on how to practice leadership in a way that encourages and strengthens your own and your team's resilience so let's turn to the next slide and talk about how we do it let's assume you agree with me that this is what you want you want a team environment that's empathetic and resilient so the first step in leading in this way is to prioritize being known by and getting to know your team as human beings and not just as job functions so when taking on a new team one of the first things I do is I gather everyone together and I talk with some embarrassment at and some length about myself now I don't do it because I enjoy doing it I do it because I think a leader owes that to her team if you think about it think about the last time you had a new leader it usually comes along with a cocktail that is some part excitement some part anxiety some nervousness and a lot of unknown so I think it's up to you to help the people who don't know you as well who can't pick you out of a lineup get to know what they're what they're getting so I like to say leave the mystery for dat line and put your imperfect self out there personally and professionally what does that look like personally I gave you a version of that at the top of our talk tell them your professional Journey when I returned to litigation I unpacked for them that I pivoted to government contracts not because it was something I'd been deeply interested in but because that's where the opportunity was talk about your values at work I talk about how when I first joined Verizon it took a few days to actually get a computer so I spent those couple of days in the mail room helping make binders because I believe that everyone should be doing the work that needs to be done regardless of their position and what are your quirks or your peeves so for me as people who know me really well now I prize efficiency and if I say sold that means I've gotten it and and you move on to the next topic so why do this because I think talking about your life outside of work to your team signifies that it's safe for them to talk about their life and that you value them having those lives outside of work talking about your journey lets them know that if they aren't where they want to be today that doesn't mean they can't be there tomorrow and that you're here to help them navigate it and talking about your values and your preferences gives everyone the same information and insight about how to succeed with you it's only fair so you don't have to wait till you have a new team to do this use the new fiscal year the new calendar year call it team building and the two other things i' I'd urge you to do is do guided one-on ones with everyone on your team whether you've worked for them for a decade or you've only just learned how to pronounce their name use the same set of questions to talk about their development goals and in those conversations ask who they are what else do they bring outside of work let them know that you're interested in their volunteer work in their family Dynamics it helps them feel safe and then finally to keep those things going and growing start your meetings with a personal check-in just a little rapid fire one to two minute what's going on in people's lives it gives you a chance to celebrate and commiserate life and not just work and it lets you know when people on your team might have big events coming up in their life and need a a little help which is a good segue to the next slide and the next
topic so making choices and choosing disappointments I start with the premise that you're going to disappoint someone because ideal in reality and even if you're giving 150% 100% of the time your efforts are going to fall short of someone's expectations so the question is how do you do it gracefully so when I'm juggling too many commitments I ask is it rubber or is it glass meaning what kind of impact will happen if it just doesn't get done will it bounce or will it break so here's an example let's say it's 4 o'clock today and my weekly report is do at five but I'm on with a angry customer leaving that customer's issue unresolved overnight probably is going to mean that I'm going to lose the customer it may mean that the customer goes to the internet and we lose other customers and in my experience erience protecting your and your organization's reputation should always be treated like glass by contrast failing to turn in your weekly report it's going to disappoint your boss which I don't take lightly but nothing is actually going to break so having decided what to drop how do you do it you communicate the disappointment promptly and explicitly politely ask the customer to go on hold for 30 seconds so you can give him your full attention attention and then text your boss so that she timely knows not to continue to sit at her computer waiting for your component of the weekly report and telling her this also avoids her making up a narrative that you simply didn't make the deadline it tells you where tells her your priorities are straight so let's say it's not that simple let's turn to the next
slide so you're watching an avalanche of work coming in to the team and it's an avalan avalanche of glass right nobody respects the officious bystander who stands by and tisks and rolls their eyes as they watch somebody else drop something being part of a team means pitching in for your teammates so here's how I want you to do it don't let any of the vases break but don't make room for them on your shelf so when I see a someone about to drop a vase I dive in and I catch the vase because it's the right thing to do for my teammate it's the right thing to do for the organization then I gracefully hand it back so that I don't find my own shelf cluttered with workload creep not letting it break even though it's not yours is demonstrating empathy handing it back after the crisis has passed is protecting your resilience now maybe you're the manager of all the vases that are on the screen right you're not going to be be able to catch all of them yourself you're going to have to ask people for help how you ask for this help in a pinch meaning people's lives are going to be impacted communicates your values if you do it in time and with sufficient notice to let people get it done during working hours that shows you respect that if you create a fire drill it doesn't now you might be thinking that's great but my boss or my board isn't on the same page as you and I okay then we get the work done but you don't be silent about the ask the price of the ask maybe you need to March around the parking lot or your living room once or twice before you do this but tell your boss I'm going to get it done but we're going to have to deprioritize some other work and people's personal lives are going to be impacted with people having to cancel or compress some important commitments that's step one step two is how you communicated to the team it's probably tempting to just blame your boss and bond via venting but getting your team into a bitter boat isn't going to improve anyone's lot it isn't acting with empathy what you do is you offer what you have figured out can come off your to-do list and what you can cancel on your calendar and you give them 15 minutes to come back and offer what they can cancel and when they do listen for not just what's being offered but is it being offered with ease or is it being offered with angst and try and listen for those things being offered with angst and make sure that people aren't aren't prior aren't over prioritizing the present at work then once you get it done step three is you go back to your boss with the finished product and you don't martyr your team you communicate where the credit is Du we're happy to have gotten this done for the company but I want you to know that Lisa and markk and Ellie all had to cancel things and I would like you to have lunch with them and call them out at a team meeting it's a hard conversation but it's important so with that let's pivot to the next slide which is another kind of hard conversation and here I want to talk about performance and promotion discussions so Warren Buffett is credited with credited with saying that feedback is a gift and while he is much richer than I am I beg to differ the reason is because I think that phrase suggests one that you should be grateful for feedback but I think employees are entitled to feedback because feedback helps you navigate how to get where you want to go I also disagree with it because it sort of suggests all feedback is good but anyone with an ugly too tight sweater in the back of their closet from their great aunt knows that not everyone is a skilled Giver of gifts so I think you ought to think about feedback as a guide a how not a gift and I'm going to stay here in this closet analogy and let's say we're talking about my jeans which thankfully you cannot see on this zoom and you might say to me Andrea skinny jeans are out done with them how many times do I have to tell you now I know that I'm perfectly aware it's not helpful for you to call me out instead you come over and say Andrea I noticed you're still wearing your pre-pandemic skinny jeans I have brought you a few wideleg and boyfriend styles for you to try to update your wardrobe I still didn't really want to hear it because I really want to hold on to those jeans but I know it was well intentioned and it helped me get to where I needed to go it didn't just call me out on where I was so hopefully you agree that we should want to give and should be giving constructive feedback but even when we do as I said it can be hard to take so how do you do it empathetically and in a way that encourages and not diminishes resilience first do it promptly do it at the time and don't save it up for once or twice a year where you can't remember what the particular item was that caused you to make the note in your file an HR partner of mine described giving hard feedback as telling someone they have spinach in their teeth no you don't want your boss to have seen you with spinach in your teeth at lunch but what you really don't want to do is to go home and at 6 pm look in the mirror and realize that everyone who's been interacting with you for the last six hours has seen it so give the feedback promptly second where are you giving it if you see a team member of yours give a presentation in a meeting that absolutely not out of the park call out the goodness in that meeting praise them if the next presentation by the other employee Falls well short set up time after the meeting to discuss how it fell short note the difference giving feedback empathetically means you praise in public and you course correct in private third think about your language separate the work from the person here's my example the report that Ginger gave me failed that you report that you gave me failed to give me the information I needed that is subtly but different import subtly different than but importantly different than saying you failed to give me what I needed talking about how work product falls short versus how people fall short conveys that you still believe in that person you know that person's capable of doing the work and your feelings about them are the same it's the report that didn't work out this helps build resilience as an employee who has to weather difficult feedback okay last point on this other side of the coin let's say that employee who knocked it out of the park in the meeting she has been knocking out of the park consistently she's ready for promotion there are no openings right now I want to beg of you to please not say it's just not in the cards right now that's dismissive and vague and disheartening what you owe her is to reassure her that you are now doing the work to keep her name active and in front of all the opportunities that are about to come it's your obligation to let her know she doesn't need to do something more or different substantively you want her to be careful not to burn herself out to not be putting vases with no reward on her shelf that way when the promotion does come about and she does get to move on she'll already have some of the knowledge of how to support the frustrated Strivers on her own empathetic and resilient team now I won't lie to you doing this kind of leadership takes a lot more time than not it also takes a lot more more personal investment and energy so you ask why why do it this way so let's turn if we could to the next
slide so what happens when you do it this way so as I told you I recently departed Verizon and if you'd asked a younger me what my career highlight reel would have consisted of I would have told you that it was going to the Tidy and quick closure of a tricky investigation or the negotiation of a billion doll government contract or the many multi-million doll wins in the courtroom and I won't lie those things were fun and I'm proud of them but they didn't make the highlight real in the Final Cut what made the highlight real were the words you see on the screen they were the hugs that I got it was the there was learning and getting attribution of promotions and pay raises that I'd played a part in for young upand comers particularly women and the retelling of times that I had sat down to hear what was going on in someone's life and I'd given them the coverage and the security to go live those lives to the fullest in the most precious moments and it was Inspire learning that I'd inspired someone to lead her own team in this way and hearing the warm satisfaction that comes when you make a difference in the lives of the people who work for and with you it was as Maya Angelou sagely says not what I had done but how I had made people feel and so this is why I feel passionately that I want to urge you to go forth and build a team and a work environment that is filled with empathy and that builds the resilience that you and your team need to thrive thank you you can go to the final
slide that's what I have for you all today well Andrea thank you so much for that wonderful presentation and yes as a reminder if anyone would like to ask a Live question you can raise your hand and I can unmute you so we'll start with some of the questions that just came in I'm I'll start with this one that came from Belle I think it was about your blast slide says can this be taught I think she's talking about empathy I work with a group of Engineers with zero understanding oh Brielle yes yes a lot of times lawyers resemble engineers in their uh lack of natural empathy but I do think it can be taught I think it is best taught by modeling it and then by having conversations with those individuals after to talk about how it made them feel I also find sometimes it helps particularly with with those who are less empathy minded if you will um to put it in the context of their personal life and then to explain how anymore and I think the pandemic taught us this your personal life and your professional life are not things that you balance anymore it's that you integrate and to bring those same values that they would to their wife or to their friend or to their father here to work and that sometimes can help them understand that they can bring those values into a workplace that can sometimes feel too cold for that that's wonderful well I think maybe we have time for one more question or well a few more questions that came in I'll go with this one from Shannon and she says giving tough feedback is such a hard thing I've had a staff member tell me well I don't agree and that's just your opinion I think most people really don't want you to share your opinion of them and often become a little defensive you know Shannon it's it is very common and here's what I would say sometimes and we've all probably been there right you get feedback and you don't think it's an accurate reflection let me say a couple of things feedback is how you are being perceived in the workplace now that is not the same as who you are certainly and it sometimes isn't how you're performing but how you're being perceived does impact the trajectory of your professional career even if you don't agree with that perception and it's important to try and change that perception so I think by putting it in that context explaining that it's a perception and the perception can be a reality even if it's not theirs it's still valuable for them to know it because if you don't know it you can't try and shape it
that's fantastic all right we'll go with this final question from Laurel before we go to our panel discussion for today and Laurel says I still struggle with the how about sharing a request for a meeting with no info or request said meeting and give your staff should you request the meeting with no info or request that meeting and give your staff a heads up what have you found as the best practice oh in terms of sharing about yourself and yeah yes okay so I I and I know personally and I know personally for me if you put a meeting on my calendar without any info I'm freaking out oh absolutely I I believe in aggressive transparency whenever possible so so yes no I would I wouldn't just bring it on them you know if it's if it's a new team or it sounds like Laurel you may be you know already in an environment then say I want to have a meeting to share some observations and expectations that I have I want to improve the way I'm showing up for you I mean I think it's always helpful if you can take a little bit on you and take some of the the AGA off what you're expecting from them um so I would you know you can call it team building you could call it um a reset um and I would say that it's you want to frame it as something that you're excited about and that is a reflection on I've been thinking there's something I can do better for all of you and i' like to start in this
meeting well that's wonderful well as we wrap and before we move to our first panel discussion of the day any final words of wisdom for all of our viewers today so I'll I'll share a quick tip that I do which is when I feel like everything's coming down on me and the world is about to end because there's so many things I flip back to my calendar six months ago or a year ago and look at it and I look and I always see something that I thought was going to be you know world ending career ending at the time and I had utterly forgotten about it and I think that helps just take a breath and realize the present moment at work feels urgent but it's survivable so that's my own resilience tip for all of you well thank you so much we really appreciate your time today